Connors entire story. the best i could do tonight.
PART 1
No trigger warnings but these will be hard topics to read.
There is no happy ending sadly.
My son was born on 6/06/06.
He died on 5/24/2020.
This is OUR story.
And I will no longer be silenced.
I honestly don't know where to start again about this.
So I will start from the beginning.
I had a large presence online talking to many people all over the world and developed close relationships with several I still have to this day.
When i was 15 in June of 2004 I met his father in a Los Angeles chat room. No idea why I was in it bc I live in Minnesota. And he lived in Louisiana.
I don't remember the how and why but I remember the immediate attraction this man had about me and how I told him everything about my life (that he later on used against me in full) and we began talking on the phone and mailing each other letters and he sent me money and gifts. And he was 20. I really didn't see anything wrong with this at the time and bc of my home life I had no guidance really that this was dangerous and that he was fully grooming me. He offered his full support and never judged me. He didn't seem to want sex at the time. And i fully trusted him with every detail about my life.
We decided in July that he would come up here and we would meet. We ended up meeting in August.
I didn't tell my mom.
He came up here and got a hotel room a few blocks away from my apartment at the time with my mom.
The first day we spent together we went shopping and it was the first time in a long time I felt taken care of and loved. I was so in love from day one with him.
He later on took me back to his hotel room.
We spent the night eating subway and watching movies.
And then he pulled out his digital camera and wanted to take pics of all the new stuff I had gotten.
I wanted nothing more than to please my new partner and felt like he was a good man.
Long story short. He convinced me to let him take over 10 different nudes of me.
I was 15 and he was 20.
I didn't realize how wrong this was.
That was the first night we had sex. And it was the first time I had ever felt in love.
We spent the next 4 days together and cried into each other's arms when he had to leave.
He was back at my house in 2 days and didn't tell his family.
My mom let him in but wouldn't let him stay the night and made him stay at the homeless shelter.
My mom took him down to the county building and he got on food stamps and a housing waitlist and insurance.
He got his first job at sears and seemed to be doing well for us. He at that time wanted to provide.
He turned 21 During August in which my mom bought him a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
I decided I didn't like the taste and didn't finish my drink.
I started 9th grade that September.
He got housing in about October of that year
A small studio.
Then he lost his job bc of his migraines.
He went through many more jobs until I turned 16 and his parents ended up footing the bill every month.
I got a job at McDonald's and I realized then something was wrong.
He would blow up my phone and call the store phone just to talk even if I was busy.
Or he would come there and sit at a table and watch me for hours and no one ever seemed to notice and 50% of me thought it was romantic and 50% of me was creeped out.
He began to be controlling in other ways. My paychecks went his account and he never had any explanation as to where my money went.
He still had no job again.
Oh and he repeatedly forced himself upon me
He started to get verbally abusive and much more demanding of sex than ever before.
I thought we were locked in for life bc he was all I had ever known of a relationship and had no one to talk to about it bc no one seemed to care.
He demanded in April that I fully move in with him as by that time I was 16. And my mom didn't seem to fight it at all so I did.
I thought life away from my mom would be better and he'd take care of me and I loved this man so why not give him myself everyday. I was on birth control and he was very strict about me keeping up on it so I never worried.
October 2005
Things came to a head one night bc I confronted him about his behavior and he went I mean from 0-100 very quickly.
I grabbed my cell phone and my purse and tried to leave. He blocked the door and was screaming and crying at me not to leave. I couldn't do anything I was frozen in fear.
This man turned into a monster before my very eyes and he was acting like he was rabid
I said I want to go home and was crying.
When he finally let me leave he pushed me down the stairs. I ran out the doors to the street and he followed behind me and laid in the street screaming that he would die if I wouldn't stay with him.
My mom was only 4 blocks away and since then I've never run so fast with so much fear in my body.
I made it home to my mom and told her EVERYTHING including about the pictures.
Bc he had emailed them to me.
She decided she had known he wasn't good for me and wanted to press charges on him for everything.
GOD I wish I would have cooperated.
The next morning I decided maybe i had overreacted. And I went to his apartment to try and talk things out. I know why I did that now.
It was confirmation he went back home to his parents bc everything had been completely cleared out except his cell phone. With a message that said "you win I'm gone."
October 2005
The next day my mom and I went to the police station and filed a full report for statutory rape and sexual assault when I was 15 and for the pics.
They immediately opened a case and I gave them proof of the pics and they were going to do an investigation.
I went to work a week later and was working the fry station and felt so sick yet hungry at the same time and light headed. I figured it was from working all night.
It was my mom's birthday.
I grabbed a pregnancy test that night as a joke and I took it while eating a Krispy Kreme donut.
Two little lines. I grabbed the box to read the results. I didn't know what to do. But I called my mom. I told her mom I'm pregnant I'm coming home.
She then yelled at me "how dare you on my birthday right after i got married!"
"Don't you dare come home you don't have a home anymore"
I sat there in disbelief and shock of what to do next bc it was 10 pm at night.
A coworker was there I went to school with. I told her and she told me I could come home with her.
They helped me get into harbor house.
Part 2 coming on Sunday.
When I walked into harbor house.
I stepped into a grand hallway with a door on every neighboring wall. And what looked like custom art pieces all over the walls. It looked hippie but classy.
Tasha the girl i had stayed with and her mom led me into the left door.
I'll never forget Eric the house manager sitting at a beautiful oak desk with his hands outstretched towards me.
"Samantha" he had Grey short hair with bright eyes and the most genuine smile I had ever seen. I felt safe with him immediately. He asked if I needed anything.
I retorted with I need a place to live with my baby in my belly.
He drew up a deep sigh and said okay I'll show you to your room.
We went up the stairs and were met with two doors and then another hallway.
I felt it in my soul then I'd be bringing my baby here to live and start over. Or so I thought.
We met the bathroom where i took tons of pregnancy pics month by month.
And then the glorious kitchen. We each had our own cabinets to store food.
And then a massive living room with 2 comfy chairs and 3 couches. I would later on find out that's where we had house meetings and chore arrangements.
After Eric was done showing me the common areas he brought me to a door just off the living room.
"This is the biggest room in the house" he proudly said with his trademark smirk.
He was right 2 king size beds could have fit in my room and still have had room to do cartwheels.
I had a queen bed and 2 dressers and a very large closet.
Oh and floor to ceiling lists on both doors.
I didn't have much with me when I moved in but Eric was able to procure a large amount of my belongings the day after I moved in.
I know this sounds shallow but I was really attached to my physical belongings. I had lost my job and just needed creature comforts.
I spent the next day unpacking and making the room for Connor and I.
One of the house staff the next day introduced me to my now life long doula. She was so open and honest and unabashed about everything and she never told me Sam you're weird stop. She just laughed with me. She was and is my person.
She gave me a bassinet for Connor.
When I put that bassinet next to my bed it truly hit me that holy eff I'm gonna have an entire baby.
I'm going to be a mom at 17. A single mom.
I slipped into an easy routine. School. Mall. Walk home. .
Started developing bonds with my other roommates except rap girl. Rap girl and I had constant ugly very toxic interactions.
I had support at first with Connor and then I slipped into ppd bc I wasn't getting help and I was so alone.
My last straw with rap girl was me buying a really nice stroller and she was like what's the point he's not gonna be born alive.
I definitely went off on her for that.
Her story is not mine to share. But after finding out what it was I understood her anger towards me.
Oh and if she ever sees this. I'm sorry I was hating on grilled pb and j sandwiches bc that shit is BOMB.
A week after I moved into harbor house my mom and a police officer came and brought me down to the station. They had their evidence but needed my statement to proceed with getting Chris in trouble.
He had already missed Connor birth and couldn't be a dad really until all this was all over.
They asked me multiple times if I was sure I wouldn't turn him in.
I had a deep stabbing pain in my heart thinking of him not being able to be with his son. I thought I was doing the right thing by not providing a statement.
I had to go through my first pregnancy pretty much alone. But in hindsight it's truly special and magical that I'm the only one that got my pregnancy to myself and u got to cherish every moment.
When we found out he was a boy we both said Connor. That's his name.
I was going to school one day and stopped in the living room and saw and heard blue October hate me. Blue October became my source for any remaining sanity I had.
Connors birth.
I woke up from a dream 2 days before he was born. He knew I was "overdue"
And in my dream he told me he was overdue bc he was afraid I wouldn't hold him or see him right away and he had been waiting all this time for that. I told him no matter what you'll be in my arms.
I woke up on June 5th about 430 am and stared out the window. And I knew I was going to have you within the next day or two.
I called my mom and my both doulas and we stuck it out for about 4 hours before my mom was in tears about how much pain I was in. I got the epidural with you.
Around 930 that night I was fully dilated. I felt like a circus amusement trying to push you out and I couldn't feel anything. And it was about the 2 hour mark a nurse passed a note to my doula and said she needs to get him out within 10 minutes or it's a c section. And before you ask no nothing was wrong with him and he was okay. My doula looked me in the eyes with the fear of God and told me to get him the fuck out. I took everything I had in me and pushed him right the eff out. He was born crying but then started grunting and they whisked him away to the nicu and his dream was exactly correct.
Without Chris during my pregnancy I got really sad bc I didn't know what the future held. And I wanted my son to have a dad. I was messed up in the head back then ok.
We talked everyday planning to reunite as a family and we'd be happy again.
I thought I was doing the right thing by not cooperating with the law enforcement.
The investigation ultimately ended bc I would not cooperate and I was like Yay he can be a dad now!
Rap girl and I started to have severe problems bc I often cried about being alone with Connor and I needed help bc I felt like I was failing as a mom.
It almost got physical one night and they asked me to leave with Connor.
.
I had to move in with my mom's friend in her basement.
Barbara (Connors grandma)
Saw her chance and jumped at me and said Connors life was in danger bc I didn't have a set stable place to live at 17 years old and no job.
. They got custody a week after the investigation ended. You can't tell me I'm Delusional. Not about that.
I came back to harbor house with my newborn son. I pumped breastmilk for him for 3 weeks.
It was a really lonely time and I didn't know or get any help with his crying. I felt like I was doing something wrong. I called his dad begging for him to come help me and he used that against me in court to get emergency custody.
The last day he was with me i had to move in with my mom and her friend. I never said goodbye. I said see you later.
But that morning he got taken I said goodbye Connor. And I took in his smell one more time. I remember on the bus to school there was a lump in my throat and I was about to lose my sanity.
And then he got taken from me.
My mom was the only one that had access to the court orders and such and she didn't tell me anything about when I turned 18 I'd have custody back. Or that they weren't supposed to leave the state with him.
I was 18 and didn't know what the eff to freaking do. At all. They won I guess in the end. They got my baby. And now he's dead.
I finally finished my sons blog.
They legally adopted him by his dad's signature and I didn't get the paperwork until 2 days before the hearing and had absolutely no money to go down and fight it. They told the judge I hadn't contacted them or been in his life in 6 months and I had just seen him 3 months prior.